Cracked for Good

Once I interviewed a repairer of guitars, banjos and lutes who recalled an unusual job he had been given.

During a heated argument a wife had smashed her husband's beloved guitar. Dozens of the instrument's fragments were delivered in a box. 

It took some time to repair, and even upon completion many cracks were still visible.

The incredible thing was the instrument's new tone. It was sweeter and fuller than before.

Much like life - when we allow it.

If your grief has left you feeling smashed and in a thousand pieces - rejoice.

Yes, as strange and/or difficult as that sounds - rejoice.

Even if it was undesired, you now have the ability to put yourself back together. Discard unusable scraps, strengthen others and incorporate the new.

When you are ready, face the world again and listen to yourself.

Your new tone might be sweeter and fuller too.

Seeing the sun through the clouds



“While my friend always spoke about the sun, I kept speaking about the clouds, until one day I realized that it was the sun that allowed me to see the clouds.”

Henri J.M. Nouwen

You must be exhausted.

Grief is like that.

Take a break from it and its dark clouds and go outside.

You might be surprised to see the sun.  It has continually risen and set even in your darkest hours.

Feel the sun on your face.  Gather warmth as its rays travel from the top of your head, across your shoulders and down your spine. Let its heat relax your muscles and brightness clear your mind.

Look again at the clouds, note their increased brightness and find happiness in that.

What NOT to give the grieving

Whenever most of us hear of the passing of someone we are stirred to action.

However, before starting to shop - stop and read a few thoughts from people who have survived grief.

It is not that they were ungrateful for the well-intended thoughts, however some gifts caused more pain and aggravation during a time when there was plenty.

Food
A hot and gooey macaroni and cheese casserole arrives at the front door.  A number of problems can arise.

• The grieving person might be single and not have room in their fridge or freezer.
• They might have an allergy, it is not on their diet or the simple truth is they do not like it.
• Unless the dish is disposable - it must be returned. One more thing has been added to their "to do" list.  If a dish must be returned, make prior arrangements to pick it up.  Also place a strip of tape with your name on the dish's bottom and assure its proper return.

What to do instead?
If you know the family's preferences - send out a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant or if unsure - send one to a local grocery store.

Donations
Do not make a random contribution to a set charity in honor of the recently deceased without checking with the family.

When my mother was fighting for her life battling breast cancer, she was too ill to work and my father had been unemployed for months. There was no health insurance so money was very dear.  Her doctor prescribed a new drug, and she called the local chapter of the American Cancer Society.  She wanted to know what drugstores carried it, and if they might be able to tell her who had it at the cheapest rate.

Her request was not only denied, but also she was told there was no resources for regional concerns.

She had commented, "It is not right that I must fight so hard to save my life, and that those who are taking money from the public to fight this disease do not have the time or inclination to actually help us."

After her death to receive notice of donations to the ACS only served to revive anger.

If those well-meaning, but misguided people had first asked, we would have steered them to the Girl Scouts.

Flowers

A great many grievers hate flowers. 

Why?

• Cut flower arrangements die
• They clutter the house
• What does one do with all the vases, and whatever the answer - it is a bother.
• Please do not send live plants that need tending.  Orchids, not the easiest plant to grow under the best of circumstances, will often die and make the grieving recipient feel worse.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation.

Toys

Honestly, ask yourself - when was the last time you cuddled up to a stuffed animal?

For most of us it was at a single-digit age.

When one is at home, alone, and in the midst of heart-wrenching grief, holding a pillow or wrapping up in their loved one's clothes is usual.

Crying into a teddy bear is not.

If a child has recently died - imagine the terrible pain the gift of a toy could cause.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation to perhaps a shelter, children hospital or elsewhere.

Gifting through grief shows your heart is in the right place.  Make sure you console, and not hurt further, the sad heart of the grief-stricken,

Not so Happy Happy Events

Happy Birthday!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

Before uttering the cheery words, putting them in an email, sending them off in a card or saying them in person or over a phone - think about the person you intend to shower them over.

If recently they experienced the death of a loved one, chances are "happy" is not their current condition.

For anyone having lost a child, whether they were 7 or 57 years of age, the unending ache of loss is coupled with a strong sense of unbalance. The older generation survived when the younger one died.

Should it be the first birthday or holiday without a loved one - the day is often fraught with emotion. The celebrant might not have had the chance or inclination to develop new customs.

Again, sensitivity is key.

Don't call up with salutations that settle in the past.

"Do you remember this time last year the four of us celebrated at that fabulous French restaurant?  Oh, how we laughed that night."

No, no and no.  Your stirring up memories can still tug on a raw heart and cause more pain.  That is far from your intention.

Also, do not let the day slip by unnoticed...even if your friend has said they intend to stay in bed all day.

Instead, if you are nearby - call ahead.

"Hey, next Wednesday is your birthday, and I understand if you are not up for a big party. However, it is your special day. So no arguments as I am stopping by at 6:45am with coffee and those sinful brownies from Jake's Bakery. No worries - you will be to work on time."

At the very least find a blank card or fold a piece of paper.  Inside write a personal note to acknowledge someone's special day.  No worries if you are not Shakespeare. Be unafraid to let your heart guide your words.  Often just a few lines of why you appreciate this person is the perfect touch.

Perhaps the best gift you can offer is the continuation of healing, and letting a friend know they are not alone on a special day.

Transforming Grief into Activism: The Sandy Hook Promise

_{The Sandy Hook
PROMISE}

Our hearts are broken;
Our spirit is not.

And it is with this knowledge
that we are able to move forward
with purpose…and strength…

This is a Promise

To support our own
our families, our neighbors, our teachers, our community
with dedication and love
as well as the material and financial needs they will require
in the days ahead.

This is a Promise

To truly honor the lives lost
by turning our tragedy into a moment of transformation.

This is a Promise

To be open to all possibilities.
There is no agenda other than to make
our community and our nation a safer, better place.

This is a Promise

To have the conversations on ALL the issues
Conversations where listening is as important as speaking.
Conversations where even those with the most opposing views
can debate in good will.

This is a Promise

To turn the conversation into actions.
Things must change.
This is the time.

This is a Promise

We make to our precious children.
Because each child, every human life is filled with promise,
and though we continue to be filled with unbearable pain
we choose love, belief, and hope
instead of anger.

This is a Promise

To do everything in our power to be remembered
not as the town filled with grief and victims;
but as the place where
real change began.

Our hearts are broken;
Our spirit is not.

This is our promise.

Click here to read the their website.

Watch the Wheelers and Peter Yarrow being interviewed by Bill Moyers.

Finding Your Passion

The title might seem odd, considering you have recently experienced a loss.

Yet often it is when we are at our most vunerable we are also given great insight to what our futures.
Insight does not always translate into clear visions.  Often it is the rumbling of discontent.

Pay attention to those rumblings.

Do not quickly dismiss them as after effects of your recent traumatic events. Instead, explore them quietly, with an open mind and not in a rush.

Ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly.  Free your responses from anything that could cause a blockage of healing power.

1.  Are you happy where you are living?  
Perhaps not as your current surroundings hold too many memories - good and bad. Where would you like to live - across town, across the state or across the globe?

Free yourself from any negative thoughts - such as "I have no money," "I would have to sell my house." "This is crazy."

2. Do you wake up everyday, contented to go to work?
Few of us head to work harmonizing like the Seven Dwarfs going off to the diamond mines.  However, there should be an air of contentment. If while brushing your teeth, a knot forms in your stomach or that headache never seems to go away until Friday afternoon, odds are your job is not gratifying.

You can argue about supporting your family or how lucky to have a job in a crap economy.
Valid points both of them, but also ask yourself about the damage you are doing to your life and those of the ones around you, by being so frustrated and unhappy.

3. Realize happiness is within your power.
Accept that fact and release an often unseen power to create a new you.

Of course some of you might feel this is mumbo jumbo, yet I am not asking you to change your name to Sunshine Rosybutt, head to a mountain top and eat pine nuts.

I am asking you to let go of parts of your life that are not working and find what will work.

4. What are my passions?
Adopt an elementary position - namely what made you happy in elementary school?

Did you love to draw or were you the class rock hound?  When a fellow classmate was hurting were you the first one to offer comfort or were you the one with perfect pitch who was always asked to sing?

Perhaps, now you are a CPA who would rather be an animal therapist?

Explore your options and act upon them.

The photo used with this article best illustrates a man willing to risk security and color his world with passion in order to bring contentment.

Passion is what keeps our life at its most interesting.

Whatever grief you are experiencing your life is continuing, whether you want it to or not.

Find the courage to welcome passion back into your life.  It will never diminish your experience, but instead of making you a victim you will thrive.

Honoring Loved Ones

Personally, I have to stop to remember the death dates of family members.

Their birthdays, however I never forget.

For three decades I was blessed with the most incredible mother.

She was beautiful, courageous and wickedly funny.

 

Among the lesson she taught her children were to be citizens of the world and how to start a conversation with anyone from "peasant to king."

Hard to believe she has been gone for over 20 years now.

 

Today would have been her 80th birthday.

From childhood on, whenever scary things from monsters in the closet to shaken confidences occurred, she would stroke our hair and sing the Irving Berlin classic - "Always."

She also passed along her love of Ella Fitzgerald to us.

So happy birthday, Mom and here's hoping you and Ella are scatting together in Heaven.

I'll be loving you always
with a love that's true, always
When the thing you've planned
needs a helping hand,
I will understand, always, always

Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour,
Not for just a day,
Not for just a year, but always.

 

Please have a listen and enjoy.

 

 

The Valor of Valerie Harper

God love Valerie Harper.

Many of us were first introduced to her acting talents when she played the sassy Rhoda Morgenstern on the iconic Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Several weeks ago, she announced her terminal brain cancer.

Rather than curl up and cry at the her fate, she continues living life.

"Don't have the funeral, until the day of the funeral," she stated today on the Katie show.

What a wonderful message!

If devastating news has entered your life, find the courage to face it without folding under its weight.

Continue to live.

It might not be what has been customary in the past, however life still exists.

Take that walk, laugh at your cat's antics or make that jumbo ice cream sundae and forget the damn calories!

New memories are waiting to be made - get going.

Learning Forgiveness

Grief is frequently compounded by the need to forgive people whose very actions caused the event(s) that brought us great personal sorrow.

The boss whose ineptitude with finances made the company unable to survive tough economic times. Perhaps, the erratic behavior of a drunk driver be it a stranger, friend of relative took the life of a loved one. An ex-spouse or lover's behavior continues to disrupt your present state/.

Learning forgiveness can be extremely difficult, however living without it will threaten your future.

For Immaculee Ilibagiza the 1994 genocide in Rwanda changed her entire life.

She remains one of the most inspiring people I have ever been fortunate enough to interview.

Here is the article.

Gardening Hope

Peach Blossoms in March

I took up gardening, five seasons ago, not lured by a romantic desire for posies and roses.

My desire was a necessity – I had to eat.

The writing job that had recruited and moved me from the East Coast to Northern California had evaporated after a scant three months instead of the promised five years until the project’s completion.

In the beginning of 2009, as the world’s economy crumbled finding another full-time job at any salary, much less the six-figure one I had enjoyed for the briefest of time was impossible. 

Having been a freelancer for several years prior, I was fortunate my thriftiness was well established.

Now the game of survival hit the major leagues. No unemployment insurance cushioned my search for work –my far from hefty savings paid for everything.

Looking at my small backyard under a cold March drizzle, I decided to lose my virgin status as a gardener. 

The ground, hard and unyielding under my rather crude tools, reflected my rocky search for employment. Then the typical late winter rain came.  With the ground growing muddy, I was unwilling to dirty my clothes, requiring money to clean.

A brilliant thought hit me.

My winter parka needed washing. Stripping down to my underwear I put on the parka and let streams of laundry liquid pour down from the shoulders.

Back outside  I went to hack sloppy chunks of mud with a fury.

After an hour the coat was clean, there was a cleared plot and my tears of fear were washed away by rain and physical work.

In this its fifth year, my garden now produces vegetables year-round with kale and Swiss chard in the winter, lettuce in the spring and everything from apricots, tomatoes and peppers harvested in the summer to fresh oranges at Thanksgiving.

Money is still scarce, but I can relax knowing healthy food is just a quick walk away,

Now, my garden is shared with several generations of a feral cat family, crafty squirrels, and a hummingbird that likes to dive bomb me under the peach tree.

It is my refuge of peace – a place where I can meditate, remember loved ones who have passed and reflect on the new and positive aspects to bring to my life..

Seeing thin verdant coils of new life push out of dirt, brings me hope,

Lately, when someone I know has suffered a loss, I send a packet of vegetable seeds. Lettuce, with its high success rate, is my usual choice.
 

I wish the grief-stricken too would find a place, if only a pot on a sunny balcony, to witness life's continuation and feel comfort in its power.

Parenting a Child with No Future

My experience in losing a child came through a miscarriage.

However terrible a time that was it, cannot compare with the devastating diagnosis that one's baby has only a few years to live.

Emily Rapp's moving book, "The Still Point of the Turning World", was written while she was able to mother her late son, Ronan. He was stricken with Tay-Sachs before his first birthday.

This link is an CNN interview with her and how she survived such times.

May it bring peace to those with these particular need.

"You Gotta Eat!"

Nine days after my arrival in Germany, a cousin succumbed to cancer.

Asked to move in with his wife, I faced the difference of cultures concerning community grieving.

When my mother had lost her valiant battle to breast cancer.18 months earlier, food-bearing neighbors began arriving as soon as her obituary was in the newspaper. Although tears flowed, trembling smiles and happy memories accompanyied brown sugar edged hams, creamy casseroles and chocolate layer cakes.

Chocolate, in the form of candy, accompanied every person who entered the cousin's house for the next four days.  Neighbors of the bereaved also brought cartons of cigarettes and flowers, mainly roses in dark, depressing hues.

The coffee pot brewed constantly. Food, than the occasional cheese and meat platter, was the only nourishment any of us consumed leading up to the funeral.

Was it any wonder at the church we were miserable with both grief and constipation?

Sorrow often manifests in a loss of appetite.

However, as my grandmother would have said, “you gotta eat.”

No one expects you to polish off a five-course meal

Instead, a bowl of soup, a piece of toast and a cup of green tea or glass of milk will help clear the cobwebs.

Hold the bowl between your hands and feel its radiating heat in your hands.  Smell the butter as it melts into the toast’s grainy texture.

Focus on the simple act of feeding your body.

Let your soul have its woes, but keep your physical body healthy able to support you through the anguish.

Surviving Unemployment: Part II Now What?

Morning dawns and for most of us comes the instinct to rise and get ready for work.

Oh wait.

You are unemployed.

An inevitable question looms – now what?

Some have thoughts of urgency to jump into an immediate search, while others snuggle back into the warmth of their bed happy for at least a day of not facing job pressures.

There is no harm in taking a few days to regroup. However, if three weeks hence you are still in a fetal position, unwashed and watching television 24/7 - this is not a healthy activity.

I might be odd, but in the three times I have been laid off my sense of survival has always manifested itself in stocking up the pantry. Something about seeing canned tuna, a couple of bottles of olive oil and items like dry pasta, capers and tomato sauce gave me immediate comfort.

Unless you are independently wealthy, soon tasks like writing a resume, often for the first time in decades, and contacting contacts must be addressed

The former requires a deft hand while the latter is a delicate balancing act.

The desire to shout your skills and accomplishments to the world are understandable. However, no head hunter or prospective employer will appreciate having a 10 page novelette hit their desk. Also, since rarely is a human actually seeing a resume first, you need to create one that passes HR software. If in doubt, this article offers some guidelines.

Now you must face colleagues and ask for their assistance in finding new employment.

Sympathy, accompanied with promises of help, will flow.

Reality is the help with new contacts may be perfunctory. Not that the sympathy is false however, most people are grateful for their own employment and your lack of one means little to them. Accepting this can be quite painful.

Joining online communities such as LinkedIn can provide other outlets for networking.

The most important thing you can do right now is focus your energies on your skills, your passions and how to combine the two.

Focus on your strengths and the rest will follow.

Part III is coming soon.

Part I is below.

 

Laughing while Grieving

It escaped your mouth, before you even realized it - a laugh.

Brought on by something someone’s comment, a pet’s antics or even a goofy TV commercial, mirth has again entered your life.

For some, a sense of guilt quickly follows even the merest moment of merriment.

After all, you are in mourning, an admonishing voice from inside your head dictates.

Your loved one is no able to laugh – you should not either.

The time has arrived to hear a new voice.

Accept your grieving period, but never forget you are still alive. There is nothing to gain from a constant diet of woe. Most of all, your departed love one would never want you to be sorrowful 24/7.

Laughter, even the smallest chuckle and chortle, will boost your immune system, relieve stress and relax your muscles.

You deserve at least that.

Go ahead and laugh.

Surviving Unemployment: Part I

Perhaps you saw the handwriting on the wall for weeks or months and knew this day was coming. 

Or you were clueless when you were asked into a meeting and told your services were no longer required.
 

Despite the amount of advance warning you are still the one sitting in a chair trying to remain cool when others are turning your life upside down.

No matter how consolatory the words “I’m sure with your talents you will have no problem finding a job” they do little to quiet the building scream inside your brain…  “I don’t have a job!”

For most of us that is when auto pilot hits. You still have the ability to walk and talk and even shake hands with your now former co-worker(s).
 

You walk past numerous sets of curious eyes back to your desk, cubicle or office trying to appear as if all is normal. This can be almost impossible, especially if you are also escorted by HR  to find boxes waiting for you to pack away months or years of accumulated mementos.

It is hard not to feel like a criminal.
 
In your car, on the train or bus the emotions hit in the form of tears, cold shivers or piercing shards of rage.

Suddenly, you realize in less than an hour your life has changed drastically. 

Some have fantasized about marching back in while screaming obscenities or threats of retaliation.
 

This is never a good idea. While it might be a totally freeing moment, the ultimate lasting impression would be of a crazed and spittle spewing person. You might need some of these former co-workers as future references.

If there is any comfort at  the moment, others of us have been here before and sometimes more than once or even twice.

You will survive unemployment.

Bank on it!

See above for Part II
 

© 2013 Linda J. Bottjer

Expressing Sympathy at a Funeral

"I lost my brother," sobbed a stranger crying on my shoulder. "John was just like a brother to me. Do you know what I mean?"

"Uhhh, yes," I mumbled back rather incredulous.

After all, we were at the funeral of my only sibling.

Sharing words of comfort at a funeral is something many find an uneasy task.  Unfortunately, this discomfort often manifests itself into awkward statements to the bereaved. Instead soothing the grief-stricken, they are left feeling worse.

Here are a few other things to avoid:

He is in a better place.

She lived a good long time.  My neighbor's daughter died young.

Did the doctors give her any hope? 

You will get over it.

I know how you feel.  I lost my pet iguana last month.

It was his time.

How to express sympathy sincerely:

I am so sorry for your loss.

I fondly remember insert name of the deceased for his/her insert something like great belly laugh, love of karaoke or poker skills.

What an inspiration he/she was with their insert something like being a terrific father/mother.

I don’t know what to say, but I am here to help anytime you need.

You are in the thoughts and prayers.

Don’t say anything.  Instead, offer a hug.

Hospice's Dignity and Grace

You have made one of the most difficult decision of your life by placing a loved one in their final care facility.

Now come the days of dignity and grace.

Being in hospice is part of life's last phase. However, until the last breath is drawn - life still exists.

Fill the days with laughter and love. Hold hands and tell jokes, reminisce through photos, videos and if possible favorite foods. 

Tears might threaten, but try hard to keep them at bay until you are alone. Instead, count the blessings in knowing your loved one is safely cocooned in tender care.

Partake in the hospice's programs and counseling offered to family members.  This will prepare you for your future journey when hospice is no longer required.

Find the courage to say "no" to well-meaning friends, even other relatives wanting to visit. If their presense will be overwhelming or bring negative energy to the patient - it is best they send their greetings via emails, phone calls, Facebook or a written note.

They might grumble, but when reminded the peaceful state of the patient is paramount most people will back down in their demands.

Hospice care can last for days or months.

Whatever period of time remains - may it be an enobling part of both your loved one's and your lives.

For information of hospice care - click here.