Meditation's Healing Ways

Dear One,

Did today dawn a bit brighter after yesterday’s extreme darkness?

A period of confusion, hurt and restlessness has enveloped you. Much like hitting an icy patch with your car, it is understandable you experience that dreadful spinning out of control feeling. The good news is this phase is not eternal. Better news comes from meditating. It strengthens your resolve, clears the chaos and establishes a distinct path to where you are the most loved. The destination is the home within yourself.

Through our past conversations, I know you are on a spiritual journey.  You have asked about my similar experiences. Never has such a trek been an easy quest, but find comfort in the bravery of your dedication. The commitment to clearing away the ensnaring brambles of one’s life to find own’s true nature, through meditation, is a practice of simplifying.

From my own experience, I accepted the need to rid myself of deeply-rooted prejudices, false logic and past hurt. The negative needed to be eliminated. Thankfully, my Reiki teacher advised meditation.

“Be quiet, close your eyes and focus on your breathing,”

With those instructions, my cynical meter at full alert and bad knees aching I sank into a lotus position for my first foray into meditation.

It lasted a total of two minutes. Actually, a minute and 48 seconds. Pain from my bent knees shouted through the silence. Frequent adjustments came to no avail. After 10 minutes, the lure of an unopened box of Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies proved stronger than reaching enlightenment.

The next day I laid down. My prone position invited cat attacks of persistent kneading and purring. Once the kitty assaults calmed down, my eyes closed. My breathing became slow and deep then I fell asleep. I awoke 40 minutes later extremely relaxed so considered the attempt a minor success. The third try, seated upright in a chair, finally proved the perfect positioning,

It still does for me.

Wiping the computer, AKA my brain, free of all thought and constant churning became easier when the in/out pattern of my breath and where it is felt within my body captured my concentration. I now flow with the silence rather than fight against it. When my mind wanders, I refocus on my breath. Some distractions continue to rap nosily against my inner peace. Acknowledging and promising to give attention to the matter(s) at a future date works.

Discovering the true me, through meditation, involved choking sobs at painful memories and unresolved issues. It also freed the confidence to shed destructive habits, seek acceptance and solutions. Difficult reactions eventually transformed into tranquility. The latter’s direct connection to meditation increases the desire to practice - especially when life gets antsy. We all have those snatched moments being stuck in traffic, a long line at the grocery store or a sudden flash of uneasiness crops up. Breathe in and out to welcome the calm.

I now embrace simplicity. The joy gathered through birdsong or being refreshed from watermelon I grew replace my former faulty avenues to achieving bliss.

There is an old saying, “we are all put on this earth to help each other.”

I am here for you, but please recognize most of this journey is done on your own. As your meditation practice begins and flourishes, I know one certain thing. The person you discover has been within you all along. Think of tidying your garage to find a wonderful gem long packed under the old clutter. Now you shine even brighter and through your serenity can conquer everything Life presents.

Preparing for Grief

Grief is something few of us are prepared for.

Especially in Western culture where we work hard to avoid it.

Then a loved one dies and suddenly - grief is everywhere.

Try as hard as you like to deny its existence - grief always finds you.

It will filter into your sleep, cause tears to fall unexpectedly and add a heaviness to your chest and limbs. The colors of life might dull and your senses lose their sharpness. Finding pleasure in the smallest things can seem a great effort. When you laugh, even a feeble one, it is often followed by a feeling of guilt or despair.

All of this is normal as grief is the vehicle to acknowledge your loss. It will eventually move you to acceptance and finally to the start of your new life.

The thought of a fresh start can prove frightening. It causes physical and mental anguish when the loss is still a raw wound.

Relax... and breathe deep.

No one should hold a time watch over you to measure your healing.

At the same time, after you have accepted grief is a bi-product of loss - don't let it completely consume you. Wallowing in it is not healthy.

• Allow yourself to become an explorer.

You do not need to start by hiking to Machu Picchu. It might begin with a small journey to a local park for a daily walk, attempting a new recipe or even cooking for the first time.

Do not focus on the results – instead rejoice you did something out of the norm. Let each new experience propel you to the next. Keeping a record of your journey, through social media postings or a written journal, will motivate you should dark clouds again shroud your new-found confidence.

• Take time out

Sometimes in a quest to rid ourselves of sadness we go overboard in establishing new routines.

Nothing is wrong with signing up for language classes, taking a two-week motorcycle trip through the Canadian Rockies or playing cards daily, unless you have completely abandoned your former self.

Strive for a balance. Let new interests enhance, not overpower, your already established positive traits.

• Talk…to yourself. Then listen.

Self-attribution is a wonderful way to let the best of yourself quickly surface to aid in the grieving process. 

Should you find it difficult to say nice things about yourself, simply go on YouTube and listen to someone, like Louise Hay, say them to you. Eventually, your subconscious takes over and continues to impart your worth - even when you feel worthless.

Occasionally, a gentle reproach is required in all of our lives. Handle yourself in love when you’ve refused an invitation, ignored someone or spent an entire weekend binge-watching and regrets follow.

If you can be honest and determine the causes of your actions it helps you understand where triggers for your grief might lay. Might being the operative word as sometimes your actions are mistakenly assumed to be grief-related. 

That person you ignored might be the town’s biggest gossip and avoiding them is really in your best interest.

• Periodic how you doing check-ups

“How are you doing?” is probably the most frequent question you are asked.

Your reply might range from a wan smile, a quiet “I’m fine” to a truthful “How the hell do you think I’m doing?”

Like a car’s periodic check-ups, your mind, body and spirit require the same.

Ask yourself the question. How am I doing?

It does not matter if your answer is smothered by tears as rivers of mucus run down your face or said calmly. 

What counts is the truthfulness you bring with it.

This enables you to celebrate the progress, boost other areas or decide when professional assistance is required.

Grief is capable of warping perceptions and altering reality. There is no shame in seeking a professional when day-to-day living is compromised. The emotion of grief never needs to affix itself permanently to dictate our lives.

You still have a vital role in this world.

Go and find it.

Henry is Bringing Kale to God and Oma has Yodels

Johnny Appleseed planted apple trees and Henry Muhler, my grandfather, did the same – only with kale.

Long before it achieved super food status, kale had been a staple of his German childhood. After coming to America, he grew it in the Bronx and all along the Northeast. Leftover seeds frequently were sowed into family and acquaintances’ gardens as well as unused plots of soil along highways and alleys. His retirement to Florida gave him two, and sometimes three, good harvests.

Whether one was a friend or a stranger everyone was gifted fresh or frozen kale to take home. Bank tellers, supermarket clerks along with staff at the doctors and dentists also shared his bounty.

When he died, at the age of 90, sadness mixed with a sense of a life-well lived.

As we prepared for his wake, inspiration suddenly hit me.

I bought twenty pink tea roses, as my nephew gathered fresh kale from the garden. Together we fashioned a rope.

At the funeral home I lovingly draped it around my grandfather’s hands and around the coffin’s edge.

When people saw the arrangement tears were shed.

“Henry's bringing kale to God,” was the most heard comment.

But more importantly, laughter, smiles and happy memories were shared.

Several years later, our grandmother died in a nursing home far from her neighbors and friends of the past 30 years. 

My brother and I had always been close to her, but our uncle was in charge of the funeral service. 

Our only participation, we were told, was to be at a Pennsylvania funeral parlor by noon on the following Saturday.

“It will be simple service. Just a few words from the nursing home’s minister,” he said.

Would the service reflect Oma’s true self we wondered?

Our determination to personalize her sendoff manifested into a madcap search, in a strange city, for a wooden spoon and a box of the chocolate enrobed, cream-filled snack cakes called “Yodels."

The former represented her preferred choice of punishment when one’s smart mouth pushed her last nerve. With just two well-placed whacks on the posterior respect was usually restored. Always found on the second shelf of her refrigerator, the chilled Yodels remained a constant reminder of her love from childhood well into our 30s.

Quietly, we approached her bier to tuck our purchases under her crossed hands.

Seeing the wooden spoon my uncle’s hard composure broke. He, as family legend told, had been at the receiving end of its redeeming power more than any of us.

Asking the minister to wait, he stood at the podium and delivered his own eulogy – full of love and tenderness that aptly captured his mother. Mourners, who had only known Oma after Alzheimer's had stolen her best qualities, were able to appreciate her fullness of spirit.

Honoring our loved ones with the things that made them special in life sends them off in grand style.

It also helps ease hearts during the final goodbye by leaving one more warm memory.

Cracked for Good

Once I interviewed a repairer of guitars, banjos and lutes who recalled an unusual job he had been given.

During a heated argument a wife had smashed her husband's beloved guitar. Dozens of the instrument's fragments were delivered in a box. 

It took some time to repair, and even upon completion many cracks were still visible.

The incredible thing was the instrument's new tone. It was sweeter and fuller than before.

Much like life - when we allow it.

If your grief has left you feeling smashed and in a thousand pieces - rejoice.

Yes, as strange and/or difficult as that sounds - rejoice.

Even if it was undesired, you now have the ability to put yourself back together. Discard unusable scraps, strengthen others and incorporate the new.

When you are ready, face the world again and listen to yourself.

Your new tone might be sweeter and fuller too.

Seeing the sun through the clouds



“While my friend always spoke about the sun, I kept speaking about the clouds, until one day I realized that it was the sun that allowed me to see the clouds.”

Henri J.M. Nouwen

You must be exhausted.

Grief is like that.

Take a break from it and its dark clouds and go outside.

You might be surprised to see the sun.  It has continually risen and set even in your darkest hours.

Feel the sun on your face.  Gather warmth as its rays travel from the top of your head, across your shoulders and down your spine. Let its heat relax your muscles and brightness clear your mind.

Look again at the clouds, note their increased brightness and find happiness in that.

What NOT to give the grieving

Whenever most of us hear of the passing of someone we are stirred to action.

However, before starting to shop - stop and read a few thoughts from people who have survived grief.

It is not that they were ungrateful for the well-intended thoughts, however some gifts caused more pain and aggravation during a time when there was plenty.

Food
A hot and gooey macaroni and cheese casserole arrives at the front door.  A number of problems can arise.

• The grieving person might be single and not have room in their fridge or freezer.
• They might have an allergy, it is not on their diet or the simple truth is they do not like it.
• Unless the dish is disposable - it must be returned. One more thing has been added to their "to do" list.  If a dish must be returned, make prior arrangements to pick it up.  Also place a strip of tape with your name on the dish's bottom and assure its proper return.

What to do instead?
If you know the family's preferences - send out a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant or if unsure - send one to a local grocery store.

Donations
Do not make a random contribution to a set charity in honor of the recently deceased without checking with the family.

When my mother was fighting for her life battling breast cancer, she was too ill to work and my father had been unemployed for months. There was no health insurance so money was very dear.  Her doctor prescribed a new drug, and she called the local chapter of the American Cancer Society.  She wanted to know what drugstores carried it, and if they might be able to tell her who had it at the cheapest rate.

Her request was not only denied, but also she was told there was no resources for regional concerns.

She had commented, "It is not right that I must fight so hard to save my life, and that those who are taking money from the public to fight this disease do not have the time or inclination to actually help us."

After her death to receive notice of donations to the ACS only served to revive anger.

If those well-meaning, but misguided people had first asked, we would have steered them to the Girl Scouts.

Flowers

A great many grievers hate flowers. 

Why?

• Cut flower arrangements die
• They clutter the house
• What does one do with all the vases, and whatever the answer - it is a bother.
• Please do not send live plants that need tending.  Orchids, not the easiest plant to grow under the best of circumstances, will often die and make the grieving recipient feel worse.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation.

Toys

Honestly, ask yourself - when was the last time you cuddled up to a stuffed animal?

For most of us it was at a single-digit age.

When one is at home, alone, and in the midst of heart-wrenching grief, holding a pillow or wrapping up in their loved one's clothes is usual.

Crying into a teddy bear is not.

If a child has recently died - imagine the terrible pain the gift of a toy could cause.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation to perhaps a shelter, children hospital or elsewhere.

Gifting through grief shows your heart is in the right place.  Make sure you console, and not hurt further, the sad heart of the grief-stricken,

Not so Happy Happy Events

Happy Birthday!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

Before uttering the cheery words, putting them in an email, sending them off in a card or saying them in person or over a phone - think about the person you intend to shower them over.

If recently they experienced the death of a loved one, chances are "happy" is not their current condition.

For anyone having lost a child, whether they were 7 or 57 years of age, the unending ache of loss is coupled with a strong sense of unbalance. The older generation survived when the younger one died.

Should it be the first birthday or holiday without a loved one - the day is often fraught with emotion. The celebrant might not have had the chance or inclination to develop new customs.

Again, sensitivity is key.

Don't call up with salutations that settle in the past.

"Do you remember this time last year the four of us celebrated at that fabulous French restaurant?  Oh, how we laughed that night."

No, no and no.  Your stirring up memories can still tug on a raw heart and cause more pain.  That is far from your intention.

Also, do not let the day slip by unnoticed...even if your friend has said they intend to stay in bed all day.

Instead, if you are nearby - call ahead.

"Hey, next Wednesday is your birthday, and I understand if you are not up for a big party. However, it is your special day. So no arguments as I am stopping by at 6:45am with coffee and those sinful brownies from Jake's Bakery. No worries - you will be to work on time."

At the very least find a blank card or fold a piece of paper.  Inside write a personal note to acknowledge someone's special day.  No worries if you are not Shakespeare. Be unafraid to let your heart guide your words.  Often just a few lines of why you appreciate this person is the perfect touch.

Perhaps the best gift you can offer is the continuation of healing, and letting a friend know they are not alone on a special day.

Transforming Grief into Activism: The Sandy Hook Promise

_{The Sandy Hook
PROMISE}

Our hearts are broken;
Our spirit is not.

And it is with this knowledge
that we are able to move forward
with purpose…and strength…

This is a Promise

To support our own
our families, our neighbors, our teachers, our community
with dedication and love
as well as the material and financial needs they will require
in the days ahead.

This is a Promise

To truly honor the lives lost
by turning our tragedy into a moment of transformation.

This is a Promise

To be open to all possibilities.
There is no agenda other than to make
our community and our nation a safer, better place.

This is a Promise

To have the conversations on ALL the issues
Conversations where listening is as important as speaking.
Conversations where even those with the most opposing views
can debate in good will.

This is a Promise

To turn the conversation into actions.
Things must change.
This is the time.

This is a Promise

We make to our precious children.
Because each child, every human life is filled with promise,
and though we continue to be filled with unbearable pain
we choose love, belief, and hope
instead of anger.

This is a Promise

To do everything in our power to be remembered
not as the town filled with grief and victims;
but as the place where
real change began.

Our hearts are broken;
Our spirit is not.

This is our promise.

Click here to read the their website.

Watch the Wheelers and Peter Yarrow being interviewed by Bill Moyers.

Honoring Loved Ones

Personally, I have to stop to remember the death dates of family members.

Their birthdays, however I never forget.

For three decades I was blessed with the most incredible mother.

She was beautiful, courageous and wickedly funny.

 

Among the lesson she taught her children were to be citizens of the world and how to start a conversation with anyone from "peasant to king."

Hard to believe she has been gone for over 20 years now.

 

Today would have been her 80th birthday.

From childhood on, whenever scary things from monsters in the closet to shaken confidences occurred, she would stroke our hair and sing the Irving Berlin classic - "Always."

She also passed along her love of Ella Fitzgerald to us.

So happy birthday, Mom and here's hoping you and Ella are scatting together in Heaven.

I'll be loving you always
with a love that's true, always
When the thing you've planned
needs a helping hand,
I will understand, always, always

Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour,
Not for just a day,
Not for just a year, but always.

 

Please have a listen and enjoy.

 

 

The Valor of Valerie Harper

God love Valerie Harper.

Many of us were first introduced to her acting talents when she played the sassy Rhoda Morgenstern on the iconic Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Several weeks ago, she announced her terminal brain cancer.

Rather than curl up and cry at the her fate, she continues living life.

"Don't have the funeral, until the day of the funeral," she stated today on the Katie show.

What a wonderful message!

If devastating news has entered your life, find the courage to face it without folding under its weight.

Continue to live.

It might not be what has been customary in the past, however life still exists.

Take that walk, laugh at your cat's antics or make that jumbo ice cream sundae and forget the damn calories!

New memories are waiting to be made - get going.

Gardening Hope

Peach Blossoms in March

I took up gardening, five seasons ago, not lured by a romantic desire for posies and roses.

My desire was a necessity – I had to eat.

The writing job that had recruited and moved me from the East Coast to Northern California had evaporated after a scant three months instead of the promised five years until the project’s completion.

In the beginning of 2009, as the world’s economy crumbled finding another full-time job at any salary, much less the six-figure one I had enjoyed for the briefest of time was impossible. 

Having been a freelancer for several years prior, I was fortunate my thriftiness was well established.

Now the game of survival hit the major leagues. No unemployment insurance cushioned my search for work –my far from hefty savings paid for everything.

Looking at my small backyard under a cold March drizzle, I decided to lose my virgin status as a gardener. 

The ground, hard and unyielding under my rather crude tools, reflected my rocky search for employment. Then the typical late winter rain came.  With the ground growing muddy, I was unwilling to dirty my clothes, requiring money to clean.

A brilliant thought hit me.

My winter parka needed washing. Stripping down to my underwear I put on the parka and let streams of laundry liquid pour down from the shoulders.

Back outside  I went to hack sloppy chunks of mud with a fury.

After an hour the coat was clean, there was a cleared plot and my tears of fear were washed away by rain and physical work.

In this its fifth year, my garden now produces vegetables year-round with kale and Swiss chard in the winter, lettuce in the spring and everything from apricots, tomatoes and peppers harvested in the summer to fresh oranges at Thanksgiving.

Money is still scarce, but I can relax knowing healthy food is just a quick walk away,

Now, my garden is shared with several generations of a feral cat family, crafty squirrels, and a hummingbird that likes to dive bomb me under the peach tree.

It is my refuge of peace – a place where I can meditate, remember loved ones who have passed and reflect on the new and positive aspects to bring to my life..

Seeing thin verdant coils of new life push out of dirt, brings me hope,

Lately, when someone I know has suffered a loss, I send a packet of vegetable seeds. Lettuce, with its high success rate, is my usual choice.
 

I wish the grief-stricken too would find a place, if only a pot on a sunny balcony, to witness life's continuation and feel comfort in its power.