What NOT to give the grieving

Whenever most of us hear of the passing of someone we are stirred to action.

However, before starting to shop - stop and read a few thoughts from people who have survived grief.

It is not that they were ungrateful for the well-intended thoughts, however some gifts caused more pain and aggravation during a time when there was plenty.

Food
A hot and gooey macaroni and cheese casserole arrives at the front door.  A number of problems can arise.

• The grieving person might be single and not have room in their fridge or freezer.
• They might have an allergy, it is not on their diet or the simple truth is they do not like it.
• Unless the dish is disposable - it must be returned. One more thing has been added to their "to do" list.  If a dish must be returned, make prior arrangements to pick it up.  Also place a strip of tape with your name on the dish's bottom and assure its proper return.

What to do instead?
If you know the family's preferences - send out a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant or if unsure - send one to a local grocery store.

Donations
Do not make a random contribution to a set charity in honor of the recently deceased without checking with the family.

When my mother was fighting for her life battling breast cancer, she was too ill to work and my father had been unemployed for months. There was no health insurance so money was very dear.  Her doctor prescribed a new drug, and she called the local chapter of the American Cancer Society.  She wanted to know what drugstores carried it, and if they might be able to tell her who had it at the cheapest rate.

Her request was not only denied, but also she was told there was no resources for regional concerns.

She had commented, "It is not right that I must fight so hard to save my life, and that those who are taking money from the public to fight this disease do not have the time or inclination to actually help us."

After her death to receive notice of donations to the ACS only served to revive anger.

If those well-meaning, but misguided people had first asked, we would have steered them to the Girl Scouts.

Flowers

A great many grievers hate flowers. 

Why?

• Cut flower arrangements die
• They clutter the house
• What does one do with all the vases, and whatever the answer - it is a bother.
• Please do not send live plants that need tending.  Orchids, not the easiest plant to grow under the best of circumstances, will often die and make the grieving recipient feel worse.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation.

Toys

Honestly, ask yourself - when was the last time you cuddled up to a stuffed animal?

For most of us it was at a single-digit age.

When one is at home, alone, and in the midst of heart-wrenching grief, holding a pillow or wrapping up in their loved one's clothes is usual.

Crying into a teddy bear is not.

If a child has recently died - imagine the terrible pain the gift of a toy could cause.

What to do instead?
Inquire with the family or ask if they would prefer a donation to perhaps a shelter, children hospital or elsewhere.

Gifting through grief shows your heart is in the right place.  Make sure you console, and not hurt further, the sad heart of the grief-stricken,