Preparing for Grief

Grief is something few of us are prepared for.

Especially in Western culture where we work hard to avoid it.

Then a loved one dies and suddenly - grief is everywhere.

Try as hard as you like to deny its existence - grief always finds you.

It will filter into your sleep, cause tears to fall unexpectedly and add a heaviness to your chest and limbs. The colors of life might dull and your senses lose their sharpness. Finding pleasure in the smallest things can seem a great effort. When you laugh, even a feeble one, it is often followed by a feeling of guilt or despair.

All of this is normal as grief is the vehicle to acknowledge your loss. It will eventually move you to acceptance and finally to the start of your new life.

The thought of a fresh start can prove frightening. It causes physical and mental anguish when the loss is still a raw wound.

Relax... and breathe deep.

No one should hold a time watch over you to measure your healing.

At the same time, after you have accepted grief is a bi-product of loss - don't let it completely consume you. Wallowing in it is not healthy.

• Allow yourself to become an explorer.

You do not need to start by hiking to Machu Picchu. It might begin with a small journey to a local park for a daily walk, attempting a new recipe or even cooking for the first time.

Do not focus on the results – instead rejoice you did something out of the norm. Let each new experience propel you to the next. Keeping a record of your journey, through social media postings or a written journal, will motivate you should dark clouds again shroud your new-found confidence.

• Take time out

Sometimes in a quest to rid ourselves of sadness we go overboard in establishing new routines.

Nothing is wrong with signing up for language classes, taking a two-week motorcycle trip through the Canadian Rockies or playing cards daily, unless you have completely abandoned your former self.

Strive for a balance. Let new interests enhance, not overpower, your already established positive traits.

• Talk…to yourself. Then listen.

Self-attribution is a wonderful way to let the best of yourself quickly surface to aid in the grieving process. 

Should you find it difficult to say nice things about yourself, simply go on YouTube and listen to someone, like Louise Hay, say them to you. Eventually, your subconscious takes over and continues to impart your worth - even when you feel worthless.

Occasionally, a gentle reproach is required in all of our lives. Handle yourself in love when you’ve refused an invitation, ignored someone or spent an entire weekend binge-watching and regrets follow.

If you can be honest and determine the causes of your actions it helps you understand where triggers for your grief might lay. Might being the operative word as sometimes your actions are mistakenly assumed to be grief-related. 

That person you ignored might be the town’s biggest gossip and avoiding them is really in your best interest.

• Periodic how you doing check-ups

“How are you doing?” is probably the most frequent question you are asked.

Your reply might range from a wan smile, a quiet “I’m fine” to a truthful “How the hell do you think I’m doing?”

Like a car’s periodic check-ups, your mind, body and spirit require the same.

Ask yourself the question. How am I doing?

It does not matter if your answer is smothered by tears as rivers of mucus run down your face or said calmly. 

What counts is the truthfulness you bring with it.

This enables you to celebrate the progress, boost other areas or decide when professional assistance is required.

Grief is capable of warping perceptions and altering reality. There is no shame in seeking a professional when day-to-day living is compromised. The emotion of grief never needs to affix itself permanently to dictate our lives.

You still have a vital role in this world.

Go and find it.